Trans struggles & support at Christmas

I'm taking a break from talking about things back at the very start of my transition for this post. I started writing this one with the aim of putting it up before Christmas as a way to say good luck to everyone over the holidays, but as usual I got distracted by all the plans and being between various houses etc so I've started again and it's now more of a "I hope everything went well for everyone" type of post along with how things have been for me over the past week instead.

Christmas 2011, my first ever "Son" card

Christmas can be a difficult and upsetting time for a lot of people, a large percentage of those being part of the LGBTQ community, though obviously I'm personally going to be focusing on trans individuals. This time of year most of us are forced into stressful family gatherings, which often results in being referred to by our old names and being constantly misgendered. This is usually also combined with invasive and intimate questions, along with transphobic remarks sometimes intensified by large quantities of alcohol. Many of us are forced "back into the closet" while certain members of the family are visiting, and we just have to go along with it to try and keep everyone else happy. Some decide by themselves to stay quiet so as not to make a horrible situation any worse for ourselves, or we are told by close family members that we must not disclose our gender identity to other members of the family, whether that be because it makes them uncomfortable or because they're worried about what other family members will say. Or maybe, we just haven't managed to work up the courage to tell anyone yet and continue to suffer in silence.

Christmas 2012

If there are family members that know and are supportive, being surrounded by extended family that don't know, or are unsupportive can often change the way they act around you. This really sucks, especially if for example you have a usually supportive parent, that uses your preferred name and pronouns, but now because your Aunt & Uncle or whoever else, who are either unsupportive or haven't been told about your transition yet are visiting, said parent now reverts back to using your old name and the wrong pronouns. Some may say "it's just for a few days, just ignore it and don't let it get to you", it's really not that easy,

We spend every day trying to convince the world around us of who we are, and hoping we get read as our preferred gender, any support we can get means so much, and losing some of that support, even for a few days can have a massive impact on mental health. It may just be a few days, but those days can feel like an eternity, especially when everyone around you is having an amazing time together and all you can think about is how crap you feel that you can't even be yourself around your own family. That every time someone calls you by your old name or pronouns you just want to scream at the top of your voice that that's not who you are, but instead you sit there quietly and smile, saying thank you for the strongly gendered gifts that you'll never use so that you don't seem ungrateful.

December 2015

However, in contrast to this, some trans people are confident enough to stand up and correct people when they're wrongly addressed. It is never okay to misgender someone, but we also need to remember that not everyone will adjust straight away, slip ups do happen so we need to cut people some slack sometimes, especially since it's often not done in a malicious way. For example my step mum has 4 sons plus me, and she so often goes through everyone's names before calling us the correct name, it's rather amusing. Depending on your age, your family have been calling you by your old name and pronouns for so many years, so it's usually just a habit that will only get easier with time.

My Mum took about 4 years to properly adjust, it's only now at almost 5 years since coming out that it seems to be becoming normality for her. I got fairly lucky in the grand scheme of things, she could have never come round the idea and not accepted me at all which unfortunately is the case with some families. I now get cards with "Adam" written in, which makes me so happy to read. For a few years I had cards that just had no name in them, which was better than them having my old name. With my Step Mum and my Dad I got correct name and pronouns in cards straight away, and the first year I was spending Christmas as Adam, they bought me the "Son's 1st Christmas" card that you can see pictured up at the start of this post, which I was thrilled with (even though it doesn't look like it in the photo!)

My girlfriend's birthday this December

I just wanted to quickly mention something awesome that happened this Christmas. I got to see my cousins, the twins who I've mentioned in previous posts, for first time in 5 years since I came out. They're now 13, and so grown up. It really sucks that I missed out on the last 5 years of seeing them, thankfully with social media now I've been able to see photos, and in the last year I haves spoken to the girl ("S") on facebook and snapchat but I hadn't had any contact with the boy ("T"). When they both walked into my Mum's house with my Aunt and Uncle "S" and I hugged straight away, and I felt so happy, then when "T" and I came face to face (literally now he is actually the same height as me!) we had an awkward moment of about to hug, then stopped, and weren't sure whether to shake hands like the rest of the men seem to do in that side of my family, but we didn't do anything, just smiled and said Hello, which was odd. I'm still trying to get use to this whole hand shaking thing with the males in my family. I think it's more difficult because with my step brothers and that side of the family everyone hugs, and all my male friends hug eachother so it's a bit of a shock when confronted with a handshake from my Uncles now. I might do a post about that kind of stuff at some point.
But yeah it was brilliant to see my cousins again, and "S" even wrote a post on facebook afterwards about how happy she was to see me which made me really emotional, I can't wait to see them again. I meant to take a photo with them before I left but had to leave in a bit of a rush to catch my train home and forgot. Will remember next time!

Festive beardness

I'm just going to round this up a bit now by saying, I really hope that everyone managed to make it through the festivities and family gatherings with as little hassle as possible, this post could go on for pages and pages but I hope I haven't rambled too much. I really am thankful for my family support and I have spent a lot of time over the last few weeks thinking about those of you who aren't fortunate enough to have a supportive and accepting family environment. I hope that you know that anyone disrespecting and misgendering you does not invalidate your identity at all. You know who you are, and you're awesome, don't let anyone else make you feel differently. If your family aren't supportive and you don't feel like they'll ever come round to respecting you, I hope that you get to spend time with your friends and chosen family. Some times that's just something we need to do, make our own family. The LGBTQ community can be such a supportive and loving thing to be part of, I know that you will be able to find someone to spend time with and comfort you not just at this time of year but always.

And if you're reading this as a friend/family member of a trans person, please do what you can to support them, even just one extra person using the correct name and pronouns can have a positive domino effect on those around you, and something as simple as giving them a card with their preferred name in could completely make their Christmas! Good luck everyone, and Happy Holidays!

Here's me this Christmas, my girlfriend gave me a festive beard of glitter and baubles!

Coming out - Part 3 (hundreds of people at work!)

I was working as a gymnastic coach at the time all this was going on, because I needed a job when I dropped out of uni, and thankfully my old team mate who now owned the gym said I could work there with her. I was so nervous about telling her because this was going to be the real start of making my transition known to people, and it was going to be a lot of people. 

I worked with hundreds of gymnasts from aged 4 up to teenagers, plus we were going to need to tell all their parents as well. Also adding extra nerves to the whole situation was the fact that I trained at this gym from 18 months old to 17 years, so anyone who'd been around in the last 15 years or so had a fair idea who I was, plus I competed for 10 years and was pretty well known to all the other clubs in Cornwall as well with it being such a small county. So yeah, I was about to go from just a few close friends and family knowing to suddenly hundreds of people of all ages. Pretty terrifying, but I had to get it over with.

I had absolutely no idea how my boss/friend was going to react, I'd known her since I was about 5 and she was 7, we spent most of our childhood training and competing together, and now I was about to say something that was also going to somewhat affect her business. I asked if I could have a word with her some time pretty soon without the other coaches around so we arranged that. I again can't really remember how I said things exactly, I explained that the reason I left uni was because I was going to transition, and that I was now using male pronouns and going by the name Adam. 

I remember her not being very surprised, and just quite matter of fact about it. She was just like, right okay then, yeah cool. She was happy for me. She asked how I wanted to tell the other coaches and gymnasts etc. I said I wasn't sure. We had a chat about it, and decided that we'd have a little meeting with the other coaches, and she'd say it for me. So I think about a week later that's what we did, and it went really well, everyone was very supportive. For gymnasts and parents, we decided to compose a letter, and give it to them after classes. I will insert the letter below, but in brief it just stated who I was, and what was going to be changing. We also said that I'd be happy to answer any questions, and that the parents are free to tell their kids as much or as little about it as they wish.

We discussed how people would be about calling me by my new name, and decided that a good idea would be to use AJ instead of Adam, as it 's gender neutral so would be less of an impact maybe. Especially since I was obviously pre any medical treatment at that time so still looked fairly female, and definitely sounded it. Thankfully my boss being the confident loud type, was great for telling people for me when I was too nervous. Like when we told all the squad gymnasts that I knew really well as a lot of them had started back when I was still training, she just said at the beginning of a session one evening with them all sitting on the crash mats by the trampoline and said right, from now on, * birth name * will be called AJ, and we'll be calling him “he”. An that was about it really, most of them were just like okay whatever, a couple of the older ones were a bit inquisitive, but no one really asked anything. With the letters to the parents, I had no bad reactions at all, which I was really surprised about. I even had a few dads say nice things like “well done, good for you”.

It was a strange experience. It went so much better than I expected it to. People don't give kids enough credit when it comes to telling them things about gender and sexuality. It's still a massively taboo subject, and people say oh no we can't tell the children! They won't understand, it'll upset them, it'll confuse them. But kids are the most open minded, they're better to tell than adults, and they're so accepting. Especially if they're younger and haven't seen or been told anything that would make them think this isn't a normal thing in life. 

For example, another coach's child was also a gymnast that I taught, and I knew her pretty well, she was 4 years old at the time, and the coach basically just said, * birth name * is a boy now, he always felt he was a boy even though he wasn't born as one, but he's turning into a boy now and we call him AJ. And this 4 year old was just like yeah okay. And called me AJ straight away. Kids are so opened minded, I don't see why people have such an issue with telling them things like this. For example I wasn't allowed to see my cousins for about 5 years because my Aunt and Uncle didn't want to tell them. But I'll cover that in another post.

I think this would be a good place to quickly mention why I chose “John” as my middle name. Basically most of the people I knew on trans groups etc said they chose their middle name in honour of their Dad or Granddad, or another male role model. I didn't want to use my Dad or Granddads names, I mean I love them both, but just didn't feel their names fitted me. So my closest male role model growing up was my old gymnastics coach, John. I had known him (and his wife Pat, our other coach) since I was 18 months old, I probably spent more time with them than I did with my family throughout my childhood. I use to train 5 sometimes 6 days a week, I pretty much lived there, so I spent a lot of time with them. He's an amazing man, and was always so caring, he had such a big impact on my life. So with this, along with the fact that it would also work well as a nickname (AJ) I chose John.  

Here is the contents of the letter we sent out to the parents:

"Dear Parent/Guardian,

I am writing to you and all other parents/guardians of gymnasts currently coached by *birth name*.

*Name* has been an assistant coach with the Academy since the beginning of this year, and I have known *Name* as a fellow gymnast for some fifteen years when we were both members of *previous gym club name*.

In recent days *Name* has told me that she will be undergoing medical transition for gender reassignment. Clearly this is a very personal decision that has taken a lot of consideration on her part.

Therefore as from now *Name* has assumed the male gender and the name Adam, to be shortened to AJ. 

AJ has been very open with explaining his decision, and following a staff meeting last friday all of the coaches have expressed their support for AJ in helping him through this process.

I am ofcourse conscious as is AJ as to how his decision may be perceived, and how gymnasts may respond. However in reality the only difference of which gymnasts will be aware us the change of name.

If however a gymnast questions the change of name, the Academy will simply state that there has been this change of name without comment upon the issue of gender. Parents/guardians will however be advised if questions are asked so that they can respond to these with their child as they deem appropriate.

The Academy's intent is to maintain a safe and comfortable child friends environment, in which your child can participate in gymnastics, and there is no reason why the above should affect this. 

If you have any concerns, please contact me and I will arrange to meet with you. Although AJ himself is willing to discuss issues openly with parents/guardians, I would prefer in respect of his privacy that concerns are addressed through me in the first instance.

Yours sincerely,

*coach/boss' name*"

As always, here's me today. I wrote this on my way up to my volunteer day at the Gender Clinic. 09/12/16

Coming out - Part 2

It was New Years Eve 2011 and I was heading over to my Dad's house to begin the celebrations and was very excited about an evening out in town with my step brothers. It was also going to be one of the biggest nights of my life, my Mum was going to find out about my transition. I also decided I was going to tell 2 of my step brothers that night.

Me and one of my brothers before we went into town NYE 2011

So let's fast forward to the evening when we're getting ready to go out. I decided it would be easier to tell them separately. For context, they're twins and are 3 years older than me. I was really close with both of them, but had always spoken more to one. We were in his room and I can't remember how I really brought it up, but I just said something along the lines of, basically I feel like I should have been born male, and I was going to medically transition to become physically male. I explained that I was going to be his brother instead of his sister, that I would now being going by the name “Adam” and that I would prefer male pronouns. His response? “oh okay, that makes sense, cool”. He wasn't at all phased, or shocked. Apparently it “explained a lot”. So that was another family member down, and with a great result. Now for the other brother.
I asked if I could speak to him privately so we went into the living room, and I explained in the same way I did to the other brother. He responded by saying that would always support me with whatever, he also wasn't shocked or phased. I was so relieved, it went so well with both of them. I could go out with them that night, and have an awesome time, knowing that they're completely fine with it and that it made no difference to our relationship. Dad and my step mum didn't know yet, but I wasn't ready to approach that situation just yet. I had to see how things went with Mum first.

New Years Eve 2011 

So my brothers and I are about to head into town to celebrate NYE, and I get a text from my Mum. I was terrified to open it and see how she felt about my letter. The text said something like “I have read your letter, don't worry, we'll get through this together. Love from Mummy”. Wow, I thought, did that really just happen? Was she really okay with it, and was going to support me through my transition? I was so happy thinking this is how she felt. It made me feel great about the evening and I had a brilliant time. However, when I returned home to Mum the next day, I discovered that “we'll get through this together”  didn't mean she was supportive of me transitioning, it really meant, we will try and fix you. A lot went on in mine and Mum's relationship over the next few years, but i'll talk about all that later.

Next on the list was my dad and step mum. I went with the plan of telling the step parent again, as my step mum was also a really laid back person, and I didn't expect a bad response from her. I text her to say I wanted to meet up and chat away from dad so we agreed to meet at Costa Coffee in town. I took my letter with me again, and handed it to her, I sat and drank my hot chocolate while she read it. I tried not to look at her and add anymore awkwardness to the situation. I recall the first thing she asked was whether I was still harming myself, to which I replied no (this was a lie, but it was less than before and I didn't want to upset her). I can't really remember what else she said (I really should have written things back then instead of trying to remember it all now) but I know it wasn't anything bad. She said it'll take a while for her to get to grips with calling me Adam, since she had a hard enough time getting the right name for her 4 sons, which was always rather amusing. I said I understood and obviously didn't expect anything to happen overnight.

March 2012 vs today (Nov 2016)

We spoke about telling my Dad, and she said she thought it'd be better if she told him, which I agreed with. I don't know much about how she told him, but she said he didn't take it all that well. Mostly it was due to the fact that he was worried about what his friends would think. But after a while he was okay, the main thing he told me he was upset about was that he wouldn't be able to walk his daughter down the isle like he'd always hoped, so I get that.
Right, well that's an overview of how the immediate family telling situation went, next was the rest of the family and work...

"Coming Out"..Part 1

During the first few weeks at uni

After I dropped out of uni and got home I had to figure out a way to start telling my family about needing to transition. I had no idea where to start and I went through ways to do it and the possible outcomes over and over in my head. I ended up deciding that writing everything down in a letter would be the best way to do it. This was so I'd know I'd be able to get everything out that I wanted to say without being interrupted or getting upset and freaking out. Also with the uncertainty of having no idea how anyone would react, it would somewhat erase the possibility of having to deal with any negative reactions face to face, straight away anyway. I can't remember exactly what I wrote, I don't have the letter anymore, I think my Mum may actually still have it somewhere but I don't want to ask as it would be a bit of a sensitive subject.

I think I just basically explained how I was feeling, that I was really unhappy how I was and that I was going to transition. I explained why I really left uni. I said that I had been self harming, and that I honestly felt like I would rather die than live the rest of my life as female, in a body that I didn't feel right in. I think I went on to write about how transition would work, with hormones and surgery etc, I wrote about changing my name and pronouns. I chose the name “Adam” because I remembered asking my Mum once when I was younger about what I would have been named if I were born biologically male, so I thought by using this name it might be easier for her and the rest of my family to get use to. I said I know that it would take a while for them to understand and adjust to pronouns and everything, but it was more a letter to inform than to ask. I needed to do this, I waited that long to tell them because I wanted to make sure I was 100 percent certain about it, rather than bringing it up as a possibility and then nothing coming from it, which would probably have caused just as much upset.

a few months into first year

The first person I gave the letter to was my Step-Dad. I felt like he would be the best place to start because he's generally a really laid back and chilled person, plus one of his daughters is bisexual and he's always been really supportive of that, along with people in general. Also I thought he would be able to gauge some sort of idea on how my Mum would react. One evening in December 2011, after the 3 of us had been watching tv together and Mum had gone to bed, I told my Step-Dad I had something I wanted to tell him. I went over to him and passed him the letter. I sat there on the corner of the sofa while he read it in front of me. It felt like time froze, it has started now, the whole process was about to begin and was no longer just something inside my head chipping away at me.

I quietly sat a waited for him to finish reading, he read it right through without looking up, though I tried not to look at him too frequently in case it made it more awkward. I felt like my heart was about to beat through my chest, but he finished reading it and looked up at me. I don't know how much of it really sunk in, or how he was really feeling, but he just said that he'll always love and support me no matter what. I think he asked me about whether I was still harming myself, and I replied that I wasn't now, which wasn't exactly true but I was doing it less. He asked about telling my Mum, and we decided that the best thing to do would be for him to give her the letter the next day as I was going to be heading to my Dad's house for a few days. This way she would have the chance to properly read and process it better, and be able to work out how she feels before talking to me about it.

Most recent photo of me, 05/11/16

He hugged me, his hugs are always so comforting, he's about 6ft 3 and I'm only 5ft 5 ish, so he makes you feel safe and reassured. I then went off to bed, it all seemed a bit surreal, like I wasn't sure if that really just happened. I did it, I finally told a parent, and it went well. There was a mixture of relief from telling him, but also anxiousness about that fact that my Mum was going to find out the next day. Combined with the fact that I felt kinda guilty about him having to go to bed and sleep next to my Mum knowing all this and her having no idea. But there we go, I made the first step, the next ones were going to be hard, but at least I was on my way.  

"So when did you know?" Part1

Usually one of the first things people say when you tell them you're trans is "so when did you know?" or "how did you know?"

For me it wasn't one of those "oh I've always known" kinda feelings.

This is going to be a two part post, this one will cover childhood up to aged 18, and the following post will cover university and actually figuring out I was trans.

Right, so..
The vast majority of my childhood was spent focusing on gymnastics so I just saw myself as a gymnast rather than a boy or a girl. I use to train with the boys a lot though, and my coach always use to say "it's a shame we can't cut your hair, stick you in a boy's leotard and enter you in their competitions". Gender just wan't really something I thought much about. When not in a leotard or school uniform I mostly wore neutral things like cargo trousers and hoodies. I watched wrestling with my step brothers and we made a ring in the garden out of mattresses and ladders and other things, and it always use to bother me when my Dad would tell them to be careful with me, especially as at the time I was just as strong them, if not stronger, plus gym skills, but that's the not point of this story. I did go through a few random girly phases where I wore skirts, did my hair, made a half-assed attempt at doing make up. This was mainly around the later secondary school years, my friends were quite girly (in comparison to me anyway) so I guess I was mainly trying to blend in and try and be pretty and "normal" like them. I was also dating guys all through school, not that that has much to do with anything as sexuality and gender aren't related but just thought I'd chuck it in there. I remember when I was thirteen my Dad and Step Mum got married and we had to go bridesmaid dress shopping and I was miserable. When I eventually came out to her she said "oh this explains why it was so hard to get you into a dress for the wedding".

But moving forward, as I got older I got more and more masculine with my presentation. I realised during my first year of college (age 16) that I was attracted to girls, so I don't know if that ended up playing any part in it, just through seeing masculine lesbians and liking what they were wearing etc.
I never knew that trans men existed in all honesty, probably due to the area I live in being quite sheltered when it comes to diversity. Cornwall is almost like a different country in that sense, it's probably like around at least 90% White British people, and a low percentage of LGBTQ people.
College was an okay time for me, not great. I was very introverted, especially for someone doing a sports coaching course! The rest of my class were pretty boisterous, when they actually turned up that is. I did well at college mostly because I was one of the only people that ever turned up for all the classes, and I got on really well with my tutor. My tutor was a lesbian, so considering I had just started figuring out my sexuality and that I was attracted to girls I felt it somewhat comforting having her around. I passed my diploma with Distinction, Distinction, Merit, which was what I needed to get into my university of choice to do Sport Science. This was the end of my doing well in academia unfortunately!

I was adamant that I was going to be a gymnastics coach or personal trainer or something along those lines. Which with my lack of confidence and assertiveness I don't know what I was thinking, kidding myself really. But off I went. I was pretty excited, but terrified as I'd barely been out of Cornwall, especially on my own and 7 hours away from home but thankfully I'd joined a few groups on Facebook so had spoken to a few people who were gonna be on my course or in a halls block near me.
For me, uni was where everything changed and I figured out who I really am. If I didn't go, which I really didn't want to for a long time, who knows where I'd be right now.

Would I have even transitioned?  I probably wouldn't have.

So when did you know? Part 2/2 University

As I write this I am sat on the train up to my final ever psychotherapist appointment at the GIC, I should be being signed off for discharge from the clinic today, so it's great looking back and thinking about how far I've come in the last 6 years. 

Right, so back to the whole “how and when did you know” thing...

One day at uni, my best mate and I felt we'd like to meet more LGBT people and decided to take ourselves over to a different campus and attend the Uni's LGBT society tea party event. I identified as a lesbian at this time, and so did she. So along we went, quietly crept in, not knowing anyone other than each other. There ended up being a pub quiz type thing planned, so we joined with a couple of other people to create a team that was wonderfully named “Kate's Bush”. I can't remember how well we did but it was fun. There were quite a few people there; the Uni we were at was in the most well-known LGBT place in the country. Everyone was lovely, and we were very glad we made ourselves go, and planned to attend more events in the future. There was one person there that I remembered very well who introduced themselves when we went in, a trans guy. I'd never met a trans person before (that I knew of), and in all honesty didn't even know that trans men existed. I sort of knew of trans women, but not with any real knowledge on the subject, regarding hormones or surgery etc. So I was quite intrigued, and I don't know what happened, or where it came from, but suddenly something clicked in my mind, and I felt different. I felt like I could relate to this guy. It's hard to explain because, well, I can't really understand it myself. I didn't really realise that this was something that would register with me, I had never thought much about my gender before. I had been getting increasingly masculine with my appearance in the previous few years, cut my hair short and bought men's clothes, but I figured I was just a “butch lesbian”. I wasn't exactly happy with my body, but who really is? I was always pretty muscular due to gymnastics so I liked that, and was always glad that I was small chested but hadn't thought much further on the subject. I can't recall whether I spoke to him much on this occasion, I think probably not due to confidence and the fact that my head was now swimming in a sea of confusion. When I went back to my room later than day I did a lot of Googling, and blog finding (I was already on Tumblr so was easy on there) and I found some Youtube channels of trans guys talking about their transition, including hormones and surgery and I stared at all of these for hours and hours. I learnt the word “Dysphoria”. 

I ended up very much overwhelmed and just feeling generally confused and emotional.
How was I suddenly so unhappy? Had I just been suppressing these feelings for years and now after randomly meeting this guy it's all come to the surface? I don't know, and I'll probably never really understand it all. But one thing I did know, was that I needed to speak to this guy again, I had to know how he had gone about transitioning, and if I could do it. I messaged him, and we met for coffee. It was brilliant. He explained hormones, binders, surgery and I was completely certain that this was what I needed to do. He gave me some details about support groups online, and in person. There was actually a group for young trans* people in the area that he helped to run so I was keen to meet more people and find out more.

I went along to this group soon after, and met some lovely people. I was horrendously nervous, and just the initial saying hello was terrifying. Sitting in a circle and saying your name and pronouns, you wouldn't think this would be so hard. But so many things start running through my head, do I give my current name and pronouns, do I know a male name I want to use, do I say male or female pronouns!? I ended up saying my current name but following that with a quiet uncertain statement of I have no idea about pronouns or even my name right now. They were all great and said that's fine and normal, and that they often have people come back to later groups using different names and pronouns. I felt better. The group was scary for me, I was an introverted person at the best of times, so I didn't engage in the activities much but I was definitely glad I went. I'm also now still friends with people I met there, and they're all doing brilliantly as well which is fantastic. 

However, away from the groups and the internet, university was still continuing around me and I was falling terribly behind. My dysphoria escalated quickly, and within a few months it got to the point where I was feeling completely consumed by it. I didn't want to go to lectures, I couldn't even bring myself to leave my house or room because I just wouldn't be able to handle people seeing me as I was.  Even going to cheerleading training was becoming a struggle, and that was my favourite part of uni life. I know you may think that's a weird thing to join and enjoy but I joined because the gymnastics team was minimal and this cheer team didn't actually do any yelling or pom pom crap, just stunts, gymnastics and a bit of dance. Plus the girls were actually some of the most lovely and supportive people I'd ever met, so turns out cheerleaders aren't always as stereotypical as you may first expect and it was somewhere I could forget about everything and just focus on routines.

Trigger warning: self harm & suicidal feelings
I managed to just about scrape a pass for my first year of uni, by submitting the bare minimum and having to retake a couple of exams but I did it. I got a first in Gymnastics but everything was low. I was extremely unhappy at this point, and obviously the falling grades didn't help at all either. I started self harming, cutting my chest, and the tops of my arms where no one could see. The pain served as sort of a distraction I guess. It wasn't very often at first, but then turned into almost daily. I didn't know what else to do with myself, I just hated the body I was in and wanted to attack it. I did also think about ways in which I could kill myself. The easiest way, whether I could do it without telling anyone, whether if I did it would I come back as someone else.  I did finally tell someone though when I went home for a visit. My girlfriend at the time, I think we were actually watching the L Word and there was the storyline of Max transitioning, and I just managed to blurt out “I feel like that”. I told her everything about how I was feeling, and that I'd been harming myself and she reacted amazingly. You never know how people are going to react to something like that, especially someone so close to you. But she was great about it and ended buying me a binder. We broke up not long after but that was for a different reason including long distance issues and she was still supportive.
end of trigger warning

I went back to uni and the binder arrived, it felt amazing. I looked in the mirror and saw a flat chest, it looked right, it looked like me. I wore it all the time, I couldn't leave the house without it on. Thankfully it was also winter so lots of layering helps with the chest situation. I felt a bit more comfortable with myself now that I had my binder, but I still didn't feel good, and obviously it made no difference to my feelings about anything else like my voice or the rest of my body. I still didn't want to go to lectures because of the possibility of having to answer questions in front of people or do group work which was pretty much always, especially in the lab sessions. So I stayed pretty much just at home then, left my room for food and occasionally to see my housemates. I was falling increasingly behind with my work, and since I'd just started second year at this point I actually had work assigned that would make a big difference to my final grade. I just couldn't concentrate on any of it though. The thought of transitioning just completely filled me, it felt like there was nothing else in the world more important. I got to the stage of feeling like I had no future, that I'd rather die than stay there and continue to live my life as “female”. So I made a decision. I felt like I couldn't transition and remain at uni, for a few reasons. The main one being that I was terrified of the thought of having to come out to everyone in my classes, along with lecturers. Also the fact that I was so far behind already that I knew I wouldn't be able to catch up so I'd just make myself more miserable. I also wouldn't have been able to continue on with the cheer squad because it was an all female team, so without that I basically had nothing else at uni that I wanted to stay for.

I started telling close friends about how I was feeling, along with some of the girls from cheer, and everyone was absolutely amazing. No one had an unsupportive word to say about it, and I was so relieved. However, I still hadn't said anything to my mum. I was so scared of just telling her that I was leaving uni, without even bringing the whole gender thing  into the situation! She's very academically minded my mum, she studied for a long time and even did a PHD in something that I could barley make sense of the title of. So the prospect of telling her that I, her only biological child was dropping out of uni wasn't a particularly inviting one. I told the uni that I was leaving, they tried to convince me not to obviously, but I just said for personal reasons I just couldn't continue with my course. They said I'd get a certificate for passing my first year sent to me, which is something I guess, had it actually turned up, which it never did but oh well, thankfully I haven't needed it. So I told my mum over the phone that I was coming home, I packed up what I could and got the train home around the usual Christmas holiday time at the beginning of December. I told her that I was dropping out because the second year just wasn't what I expected with the new modules etc and that I wasn't enjoying it anymore. She wasn't best pleased, and tried talking me out of it and to just stick it out but she didn't know that I'd already confirmed with the uni that I was leaving. I felt guilty, but I needed to do this, there was no other option for me.

So that was it, I went home. Next terrifying thing to do was get the courage to come out to my family and friends back there. Then starting the process to transition, and try to be happy and comfortable with myself. 

Here is a comparison of near the beginning of uni vs this week, roughly 6 years apart.

10th October 2016 : 4 years on testosterone..

10th October 2012 was the day of my first testosterone injection, also the day that my life started to change, to get better.
I remember being in the waiting room of my doctors surgery holding that box with the vial of Nebido in my hands, I had literally just sat down and was about to take the vial out of box to warm it up in my hands because that's what I'd been advised to do by the other guys in a support group, it makes the injection less painful as it's easier to inject when it's warm 'cause it's pretty thick liquid. But for the first time ever I was called in early, so I rushed straight into the nurse's room, gave her the vial, lay on the table with the top of my butt out and a couple of minutes later it was all done. It was quite surreal , and all a bit of a blur, as I'd built the whole thing up in my head so much over the previous year that I was expecting to feel something, but it was all so quick that when I came out of the surgery it didn't feel like anything has even happened. I just felt very matter of fact about the whole situation, like, oh okay so that's done, now what? I was expecting to feel different, or elated, but I just felt relaxed and normal, walked out like nothing had happened. As the days went on I just felt more calm, and slowly but surely, less anxious. And so began puberty number two.
Within the first month I was noticing changes, my throat was scratchy, skin was oily, more/thicker leg hair, increased libido and appetite. Second month saw a progression from one lonely dark chin hair to three, oh the excitement! haha and my facial hair and body was getting darker/thicker in general. Voice also started to do something that month,
The following months saw more hair, everywhere, voice breaking, the start of fat redistribution, noticeable changes to the shape of my face. At 1 year on testosterone I looked pretty different already, since I hadn't really got much facial hair yet it was just my face shape and my general confidence boost that was noticeable. I also had chest surgery at 7 months on t. After 1 year all there really is to say that 4 years on now, I'm still just getting hairier! Happy with the facial hair, the beginnings of back and shoulder hair is less favorable, but oh well, it all comes with the testosterone puberty package! My voice had mostly settled by 2 years on. Fat redistribution was finally doing its thing with my hips, so I started taking a more masculine shape which was an amazing feeling putting tops on and them not clinging to my love handles area. It became easier to put on muscle when working out as well which helped this a lot.
Aside from the hair, the biggest change that has been noticeable over the last 4 years is my confidence. I am the most comfortable with myself that I've ever been in my life. 5 years ago everything seemed so far away, my mental health wasn't great, I never thought I'd get to where I am now. I'm proud of myself for pushing through, I am eternally grateful for the healthcare system we have in the UK, I am eternally thankful for my family and friends that have stayed with me through all this, and for the support I have discovered within the trans community and the new friends I've made through seeking support. It's amazing how an injection in the butt cheek every 11 weeks can change your life so much. When I was younger and tried to imagine what my future would look like, I always struggled to see something. But now I am happy with who I see in the mirror, I have a great family, an awesome circle of friends around me, an amazing girlfriend, somewhere to live with a good friend, a job I enjoy and hopes for the future. If I could have shown 19 year old me where I would be in 5 years, I never would have believed it, but here we are. It really does get better guys, I know it's hard to hang in there through the waiting times and healing from surgeries, not even bringing in the crappy comments and possible confrontation from closeminded idiots along the way. But it's worth it all the end, honestly. You'll get there :)
Here is how my face has changed over the last 5 years!

New Blog - Intro/first post

Documenting a journey in the hope of making others realise that it's okay not to be a heterosexual cisgender person.

I've had a Tumblr blog for the past few years but wanted to try and progress onto something more substantial that could reach a wider audience. 

In 2016 you wouldn't think it would be necessary to explain to people what being transgender means, and that it's not something that will completely ruin your chance of having a long happy life, but it seems that there's still a bit of work to do on understanding and acceptance. Hopefully I can shed some light on that and show that you can in fact function as a human-being, have friends, relationships, a family, a job and serve as a decent member of society as a trans person.

I will never make a big impact in comparison to someone like the amazing Laverne Cox but hopefully I'll be able to make a difference for a few people.

At the time of writing this I am now pretty much completely post medical transition, so I am going to be looking back over my experiences from the past 5 years or so and onwards from now. From realising my gender identity and beginning to take action in order to align my body with my mind, and then what happened during the multiple surgeries I have undergone to do this, along with the psychological effects. I might share photos, some of which may be fairly graphic, so I will try to ensure there are warnings before these.

I never thought that I'd want to share my transition with anyone, especially strangers on the internet, but now I feel like if it has the potential to make the smallest positive impact on someone's life then it's worth the possible backlash and judgement from the close minded people that are still floating around out there. It hasn't been an easy few years, but where I am now in my life and the people I have around me, I wouldn't change for anything. So if there is any sort of negative reaction to this, I know I will be well supported. So here we go, let's see how it turns out.

Notes:

• This is only my personal experience, so I am in no way saying that this will be an accurate representation of every trans* person's transition.
• There will occasionally also be posts unrelated to being trans if there is something specific going on that I want to talk about.
• The timeline of posts may be a bit all over the place as there will be a mixture of current and historic experiences but I will try and keep things in an understandable order.

Written on 02/10/2016