Coming out - Part 2

It was New Years Eve 2011 and I was heading over to my Dad's house to begin the celebrations and was very excited about an evening out in town with my step brothers. It was also going to be one of the biggest nights of my life, my Mum was going to find out about my transition. I also decided I was going to tell 2 of my step brothers that night.

Me and one of my brothers before we went into town NYE 2011

So let's fast forward to the evening when we're getting ready to go out. I decided it would be easier to tell them separately. For context, they're twins and are 3 years older than me. I was really close with both of them, but had always spoken more to one. We were in his room and I can't remember how I really brought it up, but I just said something along the lines of, basically I feel like I should have been born male, and I was going to medically transition to become physically male. I explained that I was going to be his brother instead of his sister, that I would now being going by the name “Adam” and that I would prefer male pronouns. His response? “oh okay, that makes sense, cool”. He wasn't at all phased, or shocked. Apparently it “explained a lot”. So that was another family member down, and with a great result. Now for the other brother.
I asked if I could speak to him privately so we went into the living room, and I explained in the same way I did to the other brother. He responded by saying that would always support me with whatever, he also wasn't shocked or phased. I was so relieved, it went so well with both of them. I could go out with them that night, and have an awesome time, knowing that they're completely fine with it and that it made no difference to our relationship. Dad and my step mum didn't know yet, but I wasn't ready to approach that situation just yet. I had to see how things went with Mum first.

New Years Eve 2011 

So my brothers and I are about to head into town to celebrate NYE, and I get a text from my Mum. I was terrified to open it and see how she felt about my letter. The text said something like “I have read your letter, don't worry, we'll get through this together. Love from Mummy”. Wow, I thought, did that really just happen? Was she really okay with it, and was going to support me through my transition? I was so happy thinking this is how she felt. It made me feel great about the evening and I had a brilliant time. However, when I returned home to Mum the next day, I discovered that “we'll get through this together”  didn't mean she was supportive of me transitioning, it really meant, we will try and fix you. A lot went on in mine and Mum's relationship over the next few years, but i'll talk about all that later.

Next on the list was my dad and step mum. I went with the plan of telling the step parent again, as my step mum was also a really laid back person, and I didn't expect a bad response from her. I text her to say I wanted to meet up and chat away from dad so we agreed to meet at Costa Coffee in town. I took my letter with me again, and handed it to her, I sat and drank my hot chocolate while she read it. I tried not to look at her and add anymore awkwardness to the situation. I recall the first thing she asked was whether I was still harming myself, to which I replied no (this was a lie, but it was less than before and I didn't want to upset her). I can't really remember what else she said (I really should have written things back then instead of trying to remember it all now) but I know it wasn't anything bad. She said it'll take a while for her to get to grips with calling me Adam, since she had a hard enough time getting the right name for her 4 sons, which was always rather amusing. I said I understood and obviously didn't expect anything to happen overnight.

March 2012 vs today (Nov 2016)

We spoke about telling my Dad, and she said she thought it'd be better if she told him, which I agreed with. I don't know much about how she told him, but she said he didn't take it all that well. Mostly it was due to the fact that he was worried about what his friends would think. But after a while he was okay, the main thing he told me he was upset about was that he wouldn't be able to walk his daughter down the isle like he'd always hoped, so I get that.
Right, well that's an overview of how the immediate family telling situation went, next was the rest of the family and work...

"Coming Out"..Part 1

During the first few weeks at uni

After I dropped out of uni and got home I had to figure out a way to start telling my family about needing to transition. I had no idea where to start and I went through ways to do it and the possible outcomes over and over in my head. I ended up deciding that writing everything down in a letter would be the best way to do it. This was so I'd know I'd be able to get everything out that I wanted to say without being interrupted or getting upset and freaking out. Also with the uncertainty of having no idea how anyone would react, it would somewhat erase the possibility of having to deal with any negative reactions face to face, straight away anyway. I can't remember exactly what I wrote, I don't have the letter anymore, I think my Mum may actually still have it somewhere but I don't want to ask as it would be a bit of a sensitive subject.

I think I just basically explained how I was feeling, that I was really unhappy how I was and that I was going to transition. I explained why I really left uni. I said that I had been self harming, and that I honestly felt like I would rather die than live the rest of my life as female, in a body that I didn't feel right in. I think I went on to write about how transition would work, with hormones and surgery etc, I wrote about changing my name and pronouns. I chose the name “Adam” because I remembered asking my Mum once when I was younger about what I would have been named if I were born biologically male, so I thought by using this name it might be easier for her and the rest of my family to get use to. I said I know that it would take a while for them to understand and adjust to pronouns and everything, but it was more a letter to inform than to ask. I needed to do this, I waited that long to tell them because I wanted to make sure I was 100 percent certain about it, rather than bringing it up as a possibility and then nothing coming from it, which would probably have caused just as much upset.

a few months into first year

The first person I gave the letter to was my Step-Dad. I felt like he would be the best place to start because he's generally a really laid back and chilled person, plus one of his daughters is bisexual and he's always been really supportive of that, along with people in general. Also I thought he would be able to gauge some sort of idea on how my Mum would react. One evening in December 2011, after the 3 of us had been watching tv together and Mum had gone to bed, I told my Step-Dad I had something I wanted to tell him. I went over to him and passed him the letter. I sat there on the corner of the sofa while he read it in front of me. It felt like time froze, it has started now, the whole process was about to begin and was no longer just something inside my head chipping away at me.

I quietly sat a waited for him to finish reading, he read it right through without looking up, though I tried not to look at him too frequently in case it made it more awkward. I felt like my heart was about to beat through my chest, but he finished reading it and looked up at me. I don't know how much of it really sunk in, or how he was really feeling, but he just said that he'll always love and support me no matter what. I think he asked me about whether I was still harming myself, and I replied that I wasn't now, which wasn't exactly true but I was doing it less. He asked about telling my Mum, and we decided that the best thing to do would be for him to give her the letter the next day as I was going to be heading to my Dad's house for a few days. This way she would have the chance to properly read and process it better, and be able to work out how she feels before talking to me about it.

Most recent photo of me, 05/11/16

He hugged me, his hugs are always so comforting, he's about 6ft 3 and I'm only 5ft 5 ish, so he makes you feel safe and reassured. I then went off to bed, it all seemed a bit surreal, like I wasn't sure if that really just happened. I did it, I finally told a parent, and it went well. There was a mixture of relief from telling him, but also anxiousness about that fact that my Mum was going to find out the next day. Combined with the fact that I felt kinda guilty about him having to go to bed and sleep next to my Mum knowing all this and her having no idea. But there we go, I made the first step, the next ones were going to be hard, but at least I was on my way.