Trans struggles & support at Christmas

I'm taking a break from talking about things back at the very start of my transition for this post. I started writing this one with the aim of putting it up before Christmas as a way to say good luck to everyone over the holidays, but as usual I got distracted by all the plans and being between various houses etc so I've started again and it's now more of a "I hope everything went well for everyone" type of post along with how things have been for me over the past week instead.

Christmas 2011, my first ever "Son" card

Christmas can be a difficult and upsetting time for a lot of people, a large percentage of those being part of the LGBTQ community, though obviously I'm personally going to be focusing on trans individuals. This time of year most of us are forced into stressful family gatherings, which often results in being referred to by our old names and being constantly misgendered. This is usually also combined with invasive and intimate questions, along with transphobic remarks sometimes intensified by large quantities of alcohol. Many of us are forced "back into the closet" while certain members of the family are visiting, and we just have to go along with it to try and keep everyone else happy. Some decide by themselves to stay quiet so as not to make a horrible situation any worse for ourselves, or we are told by close family members that we must not disclose our gender identity to other members of the family, whether that be because it makes them uncomfortable or because they're worried about what other family members will say. Or maybe, we just haven't managed to work up the courage to tell anyone yet and continue to suffer in silence.

Christmas 2012

If there are family members that know and are supportive, being surrounded by extended family that don't know, or are unsupportive can often change the way they act around you. This really sucks, especially if for example you have a usually supportive parent, that uses your preferred name and pronouns, but now because your Aunt & Uncle or whoever else, who are either unsupportive or haven't been told about your transition yet are visiting, said parent now reverts back to using your old name and the wrong pronouns. Some may say "it's just for a few days, just ignore it and don't let it get to you", it's really not that easy,

We spend every day trying to convince the world around us of who we are, and hoping we get read as our preferred gender, any support we can get means so much, and losing some of that support, even for a few days can have a massive impact on mental health. It may just be a few days, but those days can feel like an eternity, especially when everyone around you is having an amazing time together and all you can think about is how crap you feel that you can't even be yourself around your own family. That every time someone calls you by your old name or pronouns you just want to scream at the top of your voice that that's not who you are, but instead you sit there quietly and smile, saying thank you for the strongly gendered gifts that you'll never use so that you don't seem ungrateful.

December 2015

However, in contrast to this, some trans people are confident enough to stand up and correct people when they're wrongly addressed. It is never okay to misgender someone, but we also need to remember that not everyone will adjust straight away, slip ups do happen so we need to cut people some slack sometimes, especially since it's often not done in a malicious way. For example my step mum has 4 sons plus me, and she so often goes through everyone's names before calling us the correct name, it's rather amusing. Depending on your age, your family have been calling you by your old name and pronouns for so many years, so it's usually just a habit that will only get easier with time.

My Mum took about 4 years to properly adjust, it's only now at almost 5 years since coming out that it seems to be becoming normality for her. I got fairly lucky in the grand scheme of things, she could have never come round the idea and not accepted me at all which unfortunately is the case with some families. I now get cards with "Adam" written in, which makes me so happy to read. For a few years I had cards that just had no name in them, which was better than them having my old name. With my Step Mum and my Dad I got correct name and pronouns in cards straight away, and the first year I was spending Christmas as Adam, they bought me the "Son's 1st Christmas" card that you can see pictured up at the start of this post, which I was thrilled with (even though it doesn't look like it in the photo!)

My girlfriend's birthday this December

I just wanted to quickly mention something awesome that happened this Christmas. I got to see my cousins, the twins who I've mentioned in previous posts, for first time in 5 years since I came out. They're now 13, and so grown up. It really sucks that I missed out on the last 5 years of seeing them, thankfully with social media now I've been able to see photos, and in the last year I haves spoken to the girl ("S") on facebook and snapchat but I hadn't had any contact with the boy ("T"). When they both walked into my Mum's house with my Aunt and Uncle "S" and I hugged straight away, and I felt so happy, then when "T" and I came face to face (literally now he is actually the same height as me!) we had an awkward moment of about to hug, then stopped, and weren't sure whether to shake hands like the rest of the men seem to do in that side of my family, but we didn't do anything, just smiled and said Hello, which was odd. I'm still trying to get use to this whole hand shaking thing with the males in my family. I think it's more difficult because with my step brothers and that side of the family everyone hugs, and all my male friends hug eachother so it's a bit of a shock when confronted with a handshake from my Uncles now. I might do a post about that kind of stuff at some point.
But yeah it was brilliant to see my cousins again, and "S" even wrote a post on facebook afterwards about how happy she was to see me which made me really emotional, I can't wait to see them again. I meant to take a photo with them before I left but had to leave in a bit of a rush to catch my train home and forgot. Will remember next time!

Festive beardness

I'm just going to round this up a bit now by saying, I really hope that everyone managed to make it through the festivities and family gatherings with as little hassle as possible, this post could go on for pages and pages but I hope I haven't rambled too much. I really am thankful for my family support and I have spent a lot of time over the last few weeks thinking about those of you who aren't fortunate enough to have a supportive and accepting family environment. I hope that you know that anyone disrespecting and misgendering you does not invalidate your identity at all. You know who you are, and you're awesome, don't let anyone else make you feel differently. If your family aren't supportive and you don't feel like they'll ever come round to respecting you, I hope that you get to spend time with your friends and chosen family. Some times that's just something we need to do, make our own family. The LGBTQ community can be such a supportive and loving thing to be part of, I know that you will be able to find someone to spend time with and comfort you not just at this time of year but always.

And if you're reading this as a friend/family member of a trans person, please do what you can to support them, even just one extra person using the correct name and pronouns can have a positive domino effect on those around you, and something as simple as giving them a card with their preferred name in could completely make their Christmas! Good luck everyone, and Happy Holidays!

Here's me this Christmas, my girlfriend gave me a festive beard of glitter and baubles!