"Coming Out"..Part 1

During the first few weeks at uni

After I dropped out of uni and got home I had to figure out a way to start telling my family about needing to transition. I had no idea where to start and I went through ways to do it and the possible outcomes over and over in my head. I ended up deciding that writing everything down in a letter would be the best way to do it. This was so I'd know I'd be able to get everything out that I wanted to say without being interrupted or getting upset and freaking out. Also with the uncertainty of having no idea how anyone would react, it would somewhat erase the possibility of having to deal with any negative reactions face to face, straight away anyway. I can't remember exactly what I wrote, I don't have the letter anymore, I think my Mum may actually still have it somewhere but I don't want to ask as it would be a bit of a sensitive subject.

I think I just basically explained how I was feeling, that I was really unhappy how I was and that I was going to transition. I explained why I really left uni. I said that I had been self harming, and that I honestly felt like I would rather die than live the rest of my life as female, in a body that I didn't feel right in. I think I went on to write about how transition would work, with hormones and surgery etc, I wrote about changing my name and pronouns. I chose the name “Adam” because I remembered asking my Mum once when I was younger about what I would have been named if I were born biologically male, so I thought by using this name it might be easier for her and the rest of my family to get use to. I said I know that it would take a while for them to understand and adjust to pronouns and everything, but it was more a letter to inform than to ask. I needed to do this, I waited that long to tell them because I wanted to make sure I was 100 percent certain about it, rather than bringing it up as a possibility and then nothing coming from it, which would probably have caused just as much upset.

a few months into first year

The first person I gave the letter to was my Step-Dad. I felt like he would be the best place to start because he's generally a really laid back and chilled person, plus one of his daughters is bisexual and he's always been really supportive of that, along with people in general. Also I thought he would be able to gauge some sort of idea on how my Mum would react. One evening in December 2011, after the 3 of us had been watching tv together and Mum had gone to bed, I told my Step-Dad I had something I wanted to tell him. I went over to him and passed him the letter. I sat there on the corner of the sofa while he read it in front of me. It felt like time froze, it has started now, the whole process was about to begin and was no longer just something inside my head chipping away at me.

I quietly sat a waited for him to finish reading, he read it right through without looking up, though I tried not to look at him too frequently in case it made it more awkward. I felt like my heart was about to beat through my chest, but he finished reading it and looked up at me. I don't know how much of it really sunk in, or how he was really feeling, but he just said that he'll always love and support me no matter what. I think he asked me about whether I was still harming myself, and I replied that I wasn't now, which wasn't exactly true but I was doing it less. He asked about telling my Mum, and we decided that the best thing to do would be for him to give her the letter the next day as I was going to be heading to my Dad's house for a few days. This way she would have the chance to properly read and process it better, and be able to work out how she feels before talking to me about it.

Most recent photo of me, 05/11/16

He hugged me, his hugs are always so comforting, he's about 6ft 3 and I'm only 5ft 5 ish, so he makes you feel safe and reassured. I then went off to bed, it all seemed a bit surreal, like I wasn't sure if that really just happened. I did it, I finally told a parent, and it went well. There was a mixture of relief from telling him, but also anxiousness about that fact that my Mum was going to find out the next day. Combined with the fact that I felt kinda guilty about him having to go to bed and sleep next to my Mum knowing all this and her having no idea. But there we go, I made the first step, the next ones were going to be hard, but at least I was on my way.