During the first few weeks at uni |
I think I just basically explained how
I was feeling, that I was really unhappy how I was and that I was
going to transition. I explained why I really left uni. I said that I
had been self harming, and that I honestly felt like I would rather
die than live the rest of my life as female, in a body that I didn't
feel right in. I think I went on to write about how transition would
work, with hormones and surgery etc, I wrote about changing my name
and pronouns. I chose the name “Adam” because I remembered asking
my Mum once when I was younger about what I would have been named if
I were born biologically male, so I thought by using this name it
might be easier for her and the rest of my family to get use to. I
said I know that it would take a while for them to understand and
adjust to pronouns and everything, but it was more a letter to inform
than to ask. I needed to do this, I waited that long to tell them
because I wanted to make sure I was 100 percent certain about it,
rather than bringing it up as a possibility and then nothing coming
from it, which would probably have caused just as much upset.
a few months into first year |
The first person I gave the letter to
was my Step-Dad. I felt like he would be the best place to start
because he's generally a really laid back and chilled person, plus
one of his daughters is bisexual and he's always been really
supportive of that, along with people in general. Also I thought he
would be able to gauge some sort of idea on how my Mum would react.
One evening in December 2011, after the 3 of us had been watching tv
together and Mum had gone to bed, I told my Step-Dad I had something
I wanted to tell him. I went over to him and passed him the letter. I
sat there on the corner of the sofa while he read it in front of me.
It felt like time froze, it has started now, the whole process was
about to begin and was no longer just something inside my head
chipping away at me.
I quietly sat a waited for him to
finish reading, he read it right through without looking up, though I
tried not to look at him too frequently in case it made it more
awkward. I felt like my heart was about to beat through my chest, but
he finished reading it and looked up at me. I don't know how much of
it really sunk in, or how he was really feeling, but he just said
that he'll always love and support me no matter what. I think he
asked me about whether I was still harming myself, and I replied that
I wasn't now, which wasn't exactly true but I was doing it less. He
asked about telling my Mum, and we decided that the best thing to do
would be for him to give her the letter the next day as I was going
to be heading to my Dad's house for a few days. This way she would
have the chance to properly read and process it better, and be able
to work out how she feels before talking to me about it.
Most recent photo of me, 05/11/16 |
He hugged me, his hugs are always so
comforting, he's about 6ft 3 and I'm only 5ft 5 ish, so he makes you
feel safe and reassured. I then went off to bed, it all seemed a bit
surreal, like I wasn't sure if that really just happened. I did it, I
finally told a parent, and it went well. There was a mixture of
relief from telling him, but also anxiousness about that fact that my
Mum was going to find out the next day. Combined with the fact that I
felt kinda guilty about him having to go to bed and sleep next to my
Mum knowing all this and her having no idea. But there we go, I made
the first step, the next ones were going to be hard, but at least I
was on my way.
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