Changing feelings about my trans identity and self-acceptance

I met Fox Fisher at Trans Pride, and it was amazing!

I had a sort of epiphany/ self affirming moment the other day when I went to gymnastics. We were stood lining up for for the air track and in the queue I was stood right between a group of guys likely not much older than me (probably late twenties) and there was about 10 of them, all around 6ft with varying amounts of muscle. As usual I started the evening off feeling pretty dysphoric and inferior as I usually do around tall muscly guys with deep voices. But as the session went on, and we were doing different things I started realising, hey they may be taller and stronger, with a more stereotypically pleasing aesthetic but in this situation right now..I actual excel over them. I'm the one demonstrating the things that they're trying to do. They're the ones saying “wow” when I do something and I'm the one explaining things to them to help them improve.
It suddenly sunk in, something that should have occurred to me a long time ago. As trans people, we will often feel inferior to cis people, for many different reasons (and obviously I'm not just saying it's only trans people that have these feelings but right now that's what I'm focusing on) but there will always be situations where we are the individuals that the others around us want to be as good as. They might have been able to easily muscle up to front support on bar or rings but something as simple for me as a cartwheel, is something they struggle with. And with a lot of hard work I could also one day do a muscle up if I train hard enough.

Cornwall Pride 2016

You may often look around at others, whether they are trans people further ahead in their transition than you, or cis people and feel inferior, wishing you were them. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others, which can be so self destructive. You can't be them, but you can become the best version of you. I may not be able to make myself taller, but I could become as strong and muscular as these guys if I put in the hard work and dedication. It may take longer, but it is possible.  And on the subject of height, as it's one of the main things I struggle with due to most of my male friends being pretty tall and it gets me down every time I go to buy trousers and even the shorter leg ones are too long. I doubt even if I was born as cis male that I would be much taller than I am now. My whole family is pretty tiny. I'm the same height as my Dad and like an inch taller than my Mum, I have one random 6ft+ Uncle but my Great Granddad was tall so someone had to get that gene, but the rest of my family are all around the same height as me.
I actually managed to find a girlfriend shorter than me as well, and I've asked her if she's ever wished I was taller, she responded with “no because then I'd have to tiptoe to kiss you”. We often assume that all girls (or guys) want the stereotypical tall dark and handsome partner but that really isn't always the case and we often forget this. The world needs diversity, it would be boring if we all looked the same. I may not be the tallest, strongest, most typically attractive or most talented guy in the world, but that doesn't matter. I am still valued as a person, I have friends and family that think I'm pretty great (most of the time) and I'm trying my best to do something good with my life, help others and enjoy it along the way. Obviously I still have days where my dysphoria flares up again and I doubt that will ever go away completely, but it doesn't stick around as long as it use to, I handle it better and I am learning to accept the way I am and even embrace it.

One of my best mate's (Meg) and I at the bar

I wouldn't be where I am today, surrounded by amazing and inspiring people if I wasn't trans. I would likely not be as open minded about things, I wouldn't know the vast majority of my friends. I wouldn't have met my girlfriend. I probably wouldn't be trying to do something important and educational for others. The trans community can be quite a toxic place at times, with so many conflicting opinions, jealously, confusion, misunderstandings and personal struggles but it can also be a beautifully supportive and inspiring thing to be a part of.
When I started my transition just over 5 years ago I always thought that when I had finished all of my surgeries and been discharged from the Gender Clinic that I would never want to talk to anyone about it. That I would just want to forget about it and never tell anyone about it. I think I felt somewhat ashamed of who I was because it wasn't “normal”, along with being scared that people wouldn't accept me and would treat me differently. So much has changed. I have finally reached a stage in my own self-acceptance where I don't care who knows about my trans history. I feel good about the fact that sharing my transition with people has helped others to understand themselves or eachother. I have managed to make parents of others realise that their child being trans is not going to ruin either of their lives. Through volunteering at the Gender Clinic over the last 6 months I have met some great people at the early stages of their transition. Hearing them say that just meeting me and having a chat about things has ended up giving them hope for their future is one of the best feelings in the world and I am so happy to be able to do that for someone.

First family photo with Mum and Step-Dad since I transitioned

Obviously I still have down days as everyone does. There’s days where I wish I had a cis-male body, and get really depressed about the fact I had to go through so much to get a body that feels now just acceptable to me, but I have been much more fortunate that many others and I try to remind myself of how far I’ve come in the last 6 years. There were times when I thought dying would be the easier and better thing to do, but I managed to make it through that, with the help of great friends and family. My therapist and friends had often said that they’re amazed at how well I deal with things and always seemed so positive, but really I just found it easier to pretend like things were fine and not eating away at me. I just didn’t want to deal with things so just ignored a lot of it and waited for it to go away or work itself out, which for some things did actually work. Though I know that’s not a healthy way to deal with things.
I’m still working on being able to talk to people about things. But I think now at this stage people often just accept that I don’t like to talk about stuff and leave me be while I go quiet for a few days and don’t interact much. I use to keep a journal and write stuff down early in transition, maybe I should do that again. But also my girlfriend now seems to be finding a way to make me talk about things which is good. Sorry this ended up going in a bit of a negative direction after the positive start! I was going to delete this whole section and leave it all positive, but I think I’ll just leave it now since it shows I’m still just human and not a big positivity machine.

My girlfriend (Meg (a different Meg)) and I at Pride

Anyway, the point of this post was we all have things we don’t like about ourselves, we’ve all been through things we thought might break us but that have made us stronger and will continue to do so. If we try to focus on something we do like about ourselves to try and move the focus onto to a positive thought it can make such a big change. Even something small like “hey my eyebrows look good today” or “I really like how this shirt looks” or it doesn’t even need to be a physical thing, maybe you’re proud of the way you handled a customer or comment, or the fact that you got up out of bed that day and ate something or even went outside, that’s brilliant, Go You!! We need to try and celebrate the good things, and be proud of what we’ve managed to do and think of what we’re capable of instead of focusing on the things that didn’t go as well as we’d hoped. I will also try to take my own advice on this and not be a massive hypocrite!

I know everyone is saying this at the moment with all the crappy things that are going on around the world, but a little love and compassion can go such a long way. Be kind to each other and be kind to yourself.